Sadness vs. Depression: Please learn the difference

One of the biggest problems contributing to the stigma of mental health is the concept of sadness vs. depression. Sadness and depression are not the same thing, and our society needs to learn that in order to move forward and get people the help they need. In my past blogs I've identified the definition of depression. Now it's time for the definition of sadness:

Sadness occurs when one is affected by unhappiness or grief, expressing sorrow. Sadness is a feeling. It is an expressible, physical thing that occurs as a response to some stimulus.

Depression, however, is very different. For me, depression has no feeling. When I feel depressed, I feel empty inside. I don't feel passionate about anything. It's as though the world is turning around me and I'm the sole spectator. It's very difficult to physically express depression. Yes, there can be crying or pain. Occasionally, we might find we have our arms wrapped around ourselves, trying to hold the pieces together.

Sadness is part of a process. Grieving can be healthy, a release. Depression is not a part of a normal mental process. When grief or pain gets out of control, it can lead to depression. But that is not a step in mental healing.

Sadness usually involves a timeline. Something happens to cause sadness. You feel sad. You experience some sort of release. You are happy again. You can even perform in a normal way when you're sad. Depression can strike without warning, and it has no final step for closure. You feel down mentally, emotionally and physically - sometimes to the point where it's difficult to perform everyday actions.

You've hear of "good days and bad days." This is nothing but the truth. Some people may feel sluggish and empty one day, and they will be active and accepting the next day. But "good days" don't mean the depression is gone. That's why it's called a mental illness. If a cancer patient feels healthy one day, it doesn't mean the cancer disappeared. 

The most helpful thing families and friends can do is stay educated. Try to be empathetic: walk a mile in a depressed person's shoes. By increasing understanding and willingness to learn, we may see the stigma dissipate. And who knows? Perhaps it could lead to better treatment for those with depression.

Depression is depressing

This morning, I encountered a problem that a lot of people with depression have seen. I didn't know why I felt depressed, and my significant other didn't understand how that can be. I was in a horrible mood last night and I hoped I could sleep it off, but this morning brought no relief - and NO, this has nothing to do with the election. When I got out of bed and went to go get breakfast, my boyfriend asked if I was "done being cranky." The thing is, I didn't feel cranky.

As many of you know, irritability is a symptom of depression. A single, little thing can set you off. That's my mood for the day. But I recognize that it's my depression, and not a tangible thing, that's causing me to feel this way, so I try to reign it in. The problem is, it's so hard sometimes. Hiding your depression from those you love is a lot of work. And it's really not the best thing for your relationships. If those people really love you, they should accept you, your depression and try to help you in any way they can.

Returning to my morning, my boyfriend obviously knew something was wrong, but when I told him I felt depressed, he didn't understand that there wasn't any specific cause. This goes back to the mantra, we have good days and bad days. Today is a bad depression day for me. Fortunately, I am able to pick myself up, eat a good meal and haul myself to work. My heart goes out to those who experience crippling depression. I have been there too. You can get better. But at that point, I was so frustrated that I couldn't just be a normal-functioning person that my depression made me more depressed.

My boyfriend even said the words, "You look like you're angry at your tears." And I was. Being unable to completely control your emotions is frustrating and angering. Not being able to explain why or make others understand that it's beyond your control is just as frustrating.

That brings me back to the importance of education, listening and support. Our loved ones can never completely know how we feel, and that's okay. We need to understand that our friends and families are not a magical cure for our mental health. But they are the pillars, the support beams that keep us going and drive us forward. We can't be afraid to help them educate themselves. After all, this education can end up benefiting everyone.

It also helps to realize we can't just change ourselves. When depression is keeping you down, and you can't stand one more second of not being able to control your emotions, know you're not alone. There are others fighting the same demons. We are a community of survivors, and it's time to help each other take the next step toward healing.

In a relationship with your mental illness?

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for nearly two years now. For some people, this is a small number, but for someone like me - and perhaps others with anxiety and depression - two years can seem like a very long time. For one thing, finding someone who is prepared to deal with your mental health is one of the hardest things. And it's something you always have to work on.

In my relatively short time on this Earth, I've struggled to understand why "opposites attract." It wasn't until I met my current significant other that I realized the true meaning behind this. I have mood swings, I'm emotional, and I have good and bad days. He is a rock: he's slow to anger, solid in his composure, and he rarely changes in his thoughts and beliefs. We're not complete opposites, but being emotional opposites has worked for us. I'm saying this as someone who's had experience dealing with someone who was emotionally my equal. Long story short - it was a mess, and I rarely felt good about myself.

Depression and anxiety can make relationships even harder than they already are. Being with someone who makes you feel good can be a great treatment for depression, but there are always the thoughts of uncertainty and doubt. These feelings alone can be cause for relationships to end.

Your depression might also cause your significant other to feel like it's their fault you aren't "getting better." This is a hard one to explain to people. So many times, others feel like they can pick you up off the ground, dust you off and give you a new start. The truth is, we just want someone to tell us everything is going to be okay and not make us feel worse.

I recently read an article in The Mighty, a news site for people with mental illnesses, explaining the things people with depression want their significant others to know. The responses come from actual people with depression, not a textbook or a doctors. Here are some of my favorite answers (may be shortened):

• “I don’t want advice. I’m pretty much an expert on my depression. I just need someone to listen to me when I need to talk, to validate my feelings and to support me when I need it.”
• “When I stop talking or reaching out for you, that’s when I need you the most.”
• “On my bad days, I’m sorry I’m difficult to be around. I appreciate all you do to try to help me. I know my depression is stubborn, but I promise I’m trying. 
• “I don’t need you to save me, but please be patient while I try to save myself."
• “I need you to be an active part of my recovery."

Relationships aren't easy for anyone, but ignoring your mental illness is not going to make it any better. Being open and honest about yourself will only make things better. Some people aren't able to handle the territory that comes with mental illness, but do you really want to be in a relationship with that person? The most important thing is to find someone that is going to love you while you are learning to love yourself.