"High functioning"

You've probably heard it before: "High-functioning depression." When I first heard it, I understood what it meant somewhat, but I was curious. Apparently, it's often referred to as "low grade depression" because the term "high-functioning" can be deceiving. One definition says a person is "high-functioning" when they have been diagnosed with depression but can "suppress their condition enough to carry out everyday responsibilities." As with most definitions, it's doesn't really get into the core of the issue. Or even a real description. I have a problem with this because I've been described (and described myself) as high-functioning without anyone really saying what it's like.

When I was first told I have depression, my psychologist described it as "major depressive disorder," which can be daunting to someone who's barely making it day-to-day. Major depressive disorder is different from low-grade depression in that it affects almost every activity in everyday life - from school to work to social activities. It's often accompanied by anxiety disorder or symptoms of anxiety (I have my hand raised on this one), and causes a depressed mood, lack of enjoyment and interest, and reduced energy. If this sounds like you, I highly encourage getting in contact with a medical professional. There's no reason to struggle everyday because of a mental condition.

Most people think major depression is the only option, so they spurn their own feelings of moderate depression and don't think they need treatment. The thing about high-functioning depression is that it's a time bomb. Unless they know you well, most people can't tell you have a mental illness purely by observing you. In some cases, this can be beneficial. You are treated like a "normal" person in work, social activities and everyday life.

But there's harm that can come from unaddressed depression. I read a fantastic article in Upworthy awhile ago that describes one college student's story. This really resonated with me when I first read it because it was almost an exact replica of the situation I was in. As told in this story, the "I had no idea" suicide stories often come from people who are high-functioning. My favorite quote from this piece really gets to the core of the challenge of high-functioning depression: "When we limit our idea of mental illness, at-risk people slip through the cracks."

As someone who is high-functioning, I'd like to share a side of the story that is very much behind the scenes. Few people in my life would believe I'm still experiencing some of the symptoms that accompany depression and anxiety. At night, I have trouble sleeping because the thoughts in my head become so overwhelming. Multiple times, I've had panic attacks in bed at night with my live-in boyfriend sleeping peacefully beside me. Some days, waking up and going to work seems like it might be the last thing I do. I've never taken a "mental health day" because my depression got so bad, but looking back, I wonder if I should have. In some ways, I think I didn't want people to know.

You'd never expect someone that's excelling at their job is depressed. You'd never think the girl tearing it up at the gym is there to get the endorphins flowing as a home treatment for depression. The straight A student. The company vice president. The successful entrepreneur. They're all out there, but somehow our society has put all people with depression into one category. Yes, all people struggling with depression should be helped, but we need to find a way to make sure no one is "slipping through the cracks."