What I would have told myself when I was diagnosed

All the time, I see people who write notes to their younger selves, or people sharing what they wish they would have known when they were younger. So this is my version - depression-style.

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety disorder when I was 19 years old. Looking back, I've had symptoms of anxiety disorder since I was a very young child - probably kindergarten age. And I believe my depression started during high school sometime. Yet, I never officially saw a doctor about it until I was 19. By then...well, it was like the time they had my strep results within 15 seconds, but with mental illness.

Not to say that I'd never gone to a doctor for the symptoms before. Several times as a teenager, I went in because of digestive problems. My doctor suggested I start a diary of all the times I had a problem. As I did this, I noticed a pattern. First, I actually tended to have more headaches than stomach aches. Next, whichever problem, head or stomach, I was always stressed out. When I reported this to my doctor, I suddenly remembered feeling sick to my stomach frequently as a child when I had to take tests or do something in front of the class. BOOM. Anxiety.

There are a few things I would say to young Alex, the one who was skipping classes with a bad stomach. There are a few things I would say to the girl who was diagnosed within the first minute of a visit with a psychologist. Heck, there's probably a book of things. But I'll share some that are personally, very important to me but can possibly apply to others.

1. It's okay to cry. I've been labeled as a cry-baby my whole life. All my emotions are wired to my tear ducts. Angry? Cry. Frustrated? Cry. And I knew this too. I've been trying to control it for years, but crying is cathartic. It is a physical release for some of the pain and tension we try so hard to hide. A good cry can wash away some of the hurt and emptiness. And it can also exhaust you, which is a great way to get some of your much-needed sleep.
2. People will try to fix you. I've found this true especially with the men in my life. You must realize that you're not broken. They can't just glue the pieces together. But it's not okay to blame them either. Fixing you is just a sign that they love you, even if they don't understand it's not their job.
3. It gets better. Yes, the oh-so-cheesy, "it gets better." But it does. You need to take care of yourself, though. Go to the doctor, visit a therapist, take the meds if you need to. They saved my life, and they could save yours. I talk all the time about fighting your illness, living instead of surviving. This is where that fight comes in. You can be happy. But it's your job to do what you can to get there.
4. You are exactly what you're supposed to be. I wish to God someone had told me that I belonged. I still do some days. It is extremely important for people with anxiety to know they act how they're supposed to, they look the way they're supposed to and they perform in their daily life as they're supposed to. This little reminder can make a huge difference in stress levels.

I won't go into detail about all the things I would have told myself. You are beautiful, even when you don't feel that way. You are intelligent. A hard worker. Someone who will make a difference. Those are the things we need to hear but no one ever thinks to say.

If you're someone suffering from a mental illness, tell yourself these things. Better yet, tell the people in your life you need to hear this. If they love you truly, they will understand. And for those who are friends or family to someone with a mental illness, a few simple words can make a world of difference.

It's a mindset thing

I recently saw a friend from middle school/high school. He was doing great, although he didn't think so. I realize more and more how our perceptions of ourselves are quite different from those around us, especially for those with a mental illness.

Take for example, this young man. We'll call him Johnny for ease of reference. Johnny lost an incredible amount of weight and looked great, but he still felt like there was a way to go. He felt negatively about the career path he had chosen, like he was behind the people he had graduated with. Now, it's not for me to say whether Johnny has a mental illness, but this isn't completely about mental illness. This is about the way we perceive ourselves, how we think we should be because society says it should be so.

Personally, I was very impressed with Johnny. I hadn't seen him in five years - maybe longer. We were talking about our upcoming high school reunion and how neither of us is the person our classmates remember. I told him he should be proud of his accomplishments and the progress he made at his job. I never knew what an honest, open and insightful person he was. But what are the chances he sees himself that way?

This brings me to Johnny's perceptions of me. I made some errant comment about my depression or my anxiety, and he just couldn't believe it. To him, the confidence I showed dancing at the bar (we were at a friend's band's show) meant I'm probably confident all the time. Granted, there may have been a bit of alcohol involved, but I actually just love dancing. I tried to explain to him that I feel confident when I dance because I like it and I'm good at it. But I am also constantly plagued by the thoughts of not being good enough for other people.

Then Johnny made a really great point.

He said (and I'm paraphrasing) he doesn't understand why people focus on the things that could go wrong, especially when they have so much going right. This is a difficult prospect for the average person, but for people with a mental illness...you may as well as why we breathe all the time. Focusing on negative things is practically a hobby.

But now I challenge you - everyone out there. Give it a try. This may even be a kind of mindset therapy for those with anxiety. You know not everything about you is bad. There are some successes in your life, even if they feel small. When you're getting down on yourself, remind yourself of those things. Next time I feel insecure or like I don't belong, I'll tell myself, "But you're so confident when you're dancing, maybe you're just as good at everything else."

Like I said, it's a mindset thing.

Putting your mental health first

This is a topic I've visited in my past blog about stress and the effect of deadlines. I shared an article that argued about the importance of putting your mental health before your deadlines. This can be a major issue for some people. In our work-first-play-later culture, people are conditioned to thinking more about their work than they do themselves. But that's no way to treat a mental illness.

I recently encountered another article entitled, "Your mental health is more important than your grades" in the Huffington Post. Although I'm no longer in school, I have plenty of close friends (and family) pursuing higher education. A quick shout out to those friends and family for their future careers in nursing, teaching and (possible) psychology. The fact that a member of my family may one day be helping people with mental illness is a huge point of pride for me.

Moving beyond my personal interest, this article approaches deadlines in a new way. The article cites research that says more than half (62%) of students feel crippling anxiety when it comes to deadlines. Now, not all of those students have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder, but you can bet that a good few of them have. And for those students, the stress only escalates. That boosted anxiety not only harms your mental health, but can lead to negative impacts on your physiological health. Do you know that one friend that seems to get sick before every test? That's what I'm talking about.

Here are some tips from the article on how to manage stress about education:

1. Remember education is a privilege. In many places across the globe, there are people who struggle to get a working education. The author suggests trying to get into the mindset that your education is something to be cherished. So, when those deadlines approach, think of them as a positive step toward your future, rather than something to be feared.
2. Perfectionism gets you nowhere. Those with anxiety tend to have issues with OCD or just a desire for perfectionism. This comes with the worry that we're never good enough. But we need to get in the mindset that we're always developing, and perfection just isn't realistic.
3. Don't give into "imposter syndrome." This is the fear that "I don't belong" or "They'll realize I'm not as good as them." The article says women are especially susceptible to this - and I would argue that those with anxiety are as well. You got to this point in your education, didn't you? You belong there. Though it may be a challenge, you can overcome this fear.

The author also suggests focusing on time-management and remembering you're not alone. However, I realize that those of us with anxiety issues can be 100% organized, but still out of our minds with worry about deadlines. That's just something to work on. Of course, having a plan definitely helps you stay on track to complete your goals. One suggestion I have is to not procrastinate. Yes, I said the "P" word. I'm sure you've heard it before, but I have personal experience with the power of not procrastinating. If you get your work done before your deadline hits, BOOM no more deadline for you. And less stress. Think about it.